The Dog's Diary: Tasty
by Natmonkey
Summary: In the Deep Roads, Stubbs discovers what his lady's surprise ingredient is for the meal she is preparing for everyone. He doesn't like the idea of it.


_Breakdown of the characters: the lady - female human mage / Stick - Jowan / angry female - Morrigan / the giant - Sten / the statue - Shale / Tin Can - Alistair / Pointy Ears - Zevran / nice female - Leliana / Firefur - Oghren_

* * *

Oh no! The lady and Stick are cutting up one of those creepy animals! What were they called again? Dark stalkers? The ones with the long necks that live here in the dark, under the ground. Is she… is she going to put them in our food? _Ew_. They don't look tasty at all. Although… Mmm, the meat does smell nice like that. Cooked. Wait. No! I should stop them! "Angry female, angry female!"

She looks at me, angry again. "What is it now?"

"You know the lady's surprise dinner? Guess what it is!"

Angry female rolls her eyes and sighs. "Let me see… Beetroot and turnips perhaps? To my knowledge, we are out of meat. What is the fuss about, silly dog?"

"Wrong!" I make circles around her. I can taste those dark stalkers on my tongue almost, and it's not tasty. "The lady and Stick are putting dark stalker in the food!"

"Deepstalker, you mean," angry female laughs. "Ah, your mistress is simply being creative with our food. Do not worry yourself, Stubbs." She pats me on the head. "Deepstalker is not poisonous in any way. Dwarves eat them, you know."

Bleh. "They do? That is so icky. But you don't mind?" Do these humans have no taste at all? What is wrong with them? How can they like deepstalker, but not like bones? So weird.

"No, not at all. Food does not have to be delicious to be nourishing." She returns to her grinding her plants. "Now be gone, shoo."

"Fine!" I should find someone else to complain to. "Giant, giant!"

The enormous male looks up from his enormous sword. "Yes?" Our talking statue is standing next to him. Isn't that neat? We have a walking, talking statue! It's really smart too, even though it can't understand me.

"The lady wants to make us eat deepstalker!" Just the thought of it makes me gag. It did smell nice though, going in the big pot. Still. Those creatures were creepy.

"What is the dog all excited about?" the statue asks. "Does it need to go out for a walk?" It laughs, kind of scarily. "If I crush it, it will never be bothered by these bodily functions again. Would the puppy like that, hmm?" It scratches me under the chin with its stone fingers.

I scramble back. "No, don't crush me! Giant, stop the statue!"

"Shale, leave the dog alone," he tells it, his voice warning. "So your mistress will feed us deepstalker? I am not bothered by this, and neither should you be. As long as I am properly nourished, I am content."

"You are crazy." Do I have to stop the lady myself? Seems so. Aw, look at them. They're cuddling. That's so cute. I think Stick loves her a lot. Almost as much as I love her. And the lady loves him too. They have been friends since forever. Too bad Stick wasn't with us from the start. Then again, what about Tin Can? He likes her a lot too. Oh, there would have been fighting. That's bad. It's fine this way, I think. Look at her belly. It's so round. What is _in_ there? She eats too much; no wonder she is always tired. Huh. Pointy Ears is secretly watching them. That's weird. The lady calls him a purr… Pervert. Yes. I don't know what that is. Wait, I'm watching them too. Am I a pervert?

Pointy Ears sneaks away. He probably didn't think the lady and Stick would be cuddling. Oh, and there he is again, with Tin Can in tow. Oh, for shame, Pointy Ears! He wanted to show Tin Can how the lady and Stick would be mating. Mean. Not nice. But Tin Can doesn't believe him. Heh. The lady can feel it when Tin Can comes close. Funny, huh? Stick says the food is chicken. Lies. Chickens don't look like that.

* * *

"Wow, this is _really_ good." Tin Can is eating the food. Happily. "You two should cook together more often." This is his fourth bowl, I think.

The lady and Stick look at each other and smile. "You're welcome," she says.

"You could've made it even better with those," Firefur says, looking at the little animals the lady brought. They look like bunnies. Without fur. I like them. They are my friends, but they don't talk much. Firefur is new too. He's a little human, just like the two that angry female chased away. His fur looks like fire. Half of his face is covered with it. "But I gotta say, Warden, this is some fine stew."

"Don't you look at my Schmooples like that!" The nice female grabs her bunny and hugs it. "You will never be part of our diet, my little darling."

Stick nods and picks up his own rabbit. It's a lot smaller than the nice female's. "That's right. Sorry, Oghren, but if you want a taste of nug, you have to get your own."

"I don't get you humans," the little human sighs. "Who would want a nug for a pet? You might as well put a turnip on a leash."

"Now that's an idea!" Tin Can laughs. "I would call mine Nippy."

The lady laughs too. "And you would hug it, and pet it, and love it forever?"

"For sure!" Tin Can scratches his head. "Until I get hungry, I suppose. Then it's bye-bye Nippy."

Angry female says: "Ah, 'tis good to see you are practical, Alistair."

"What do you mean?" I ask. "What is practical?"

"It means," she answers, her yellow eyes sparkling, "that when we run out of food, we will eat you, Stubbs."

Gasp! "You wouldn't!" I look at the lady. "You wouldn't, would you?"

"Oh, Morrigan, don't tease him like that," the lady laughs. "Of course we won't eat you! You're part of our team. Here, have some stew." She lays a bowl at my feet. Deepstalker stew. Oh no.

"I don't want it…" There are pieces of deepstalker floating in it. It smells good though.

Angry female pats my back. "Try it, silly animal. 'Tis very good."

"Yeah, dog, quit your whining." Firefur gives me an angry look. "You gotta eat what's cooked, or hunt for your own food."

My stomach growls. I'm no good at hunting, and this does smell great. "Well, okay…" Just a little lick first. Oh. Wow. This is _good_. Who would have thought that those creepy long-necked beasts could taste so good? When I bit one, it was icky. The lady is the best with a cooking pot. The best ever.


End file.
